A victor and no allies
by Tay-P
Summary: Katniss Everdeen's life was torn upside down after winning the Games, mentally unfit and expected to be a mentor for the Quarter Quell, a Game in which she could lose further grip on reality, she finds out that not everything is what she once thought. Secrets and motives are exposed, friends are not as they seem and her life takes a darker twist. Sequel to 'Two volunteers'.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

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I awoke to a tormented scream that pierced through the cold early morning, the sound rose to impossible pitches of hysteria and it wasn't until I felt cold clammy hands grabbing onto my shoulders and shaking violently that I realised the sound was coming from my own throat. I fought at the hands that held on with a death grip, waking from my nightmare only to find there would be no reprieve, to be stuck into another form of nightmare that was my existence.

"Katniss!" My darling baby sister hissed with tears streaking down her pretty pale face, it wasn't until she whimpered did I realise that my own hands had grabbed onto her slender wrists and were held impossible tight, I let go instantly.

"I'm sorry Prim." I cried, the guilt piercing my heart as she rubbed her wrists with a forgiving small smile.

"Another nightmare?" She asked me quietly, I could only nod my head slowly. Since after the Games we had moved into a small house inside the Victors Village and it had meant that my sister, mother and I didn't have to share a room any more for we all had our own separate rooms. It was a nightly occurrence to have either my mother or Prim come find me and wake me from my screaming.

"I'm sorry." I say again, it wasn't fair that my family was suffering the long nights beside me.

Prim shakes her head once, squeezes my hand before standing up and leaving the room. She's afraid of me, she doesn't admit to it, but somehow I know that she is.

I am changed. The Games have taken not only Gale, but my family too- their fear holds them back, they do not recognise me. They are healers, but I am broken beyond repair. The Games took everything, it took my existence. It chewed me up and spat me back out to my District, where I would be painfully alone save for Haymitch, who when he wasn't in a drunken stupor would visit me. Haymitch lost everything when he had won his Games, he understood me better than anyone else could.

I watched from my window as the sky lightened with pinks and golds, watched as a Mockingjay took to the sky. If it hadn't of been for Rue, I wouldn't have recognised the small bird. Thinking about Rue caused my heart to lurch painfully in my chest, made my thoughts lead onto Gale. I gasped a breathe as I thought of my best friend, as I remembered him as I had last seen him, bloodied and pale his thick neck sliced.

An animalistic sound tore from my throat with the depth of my loss and I clawed at my treacherous heart that beat proudly yet tore at the thought of walking this earth without Gale, without anyone.

I sobbed loudly without care; my family wouldn't come to me. They knew what would be coming next. I lurched out of the bed and screamed my anger, let my family fear me. I was a Capitol mutt, everyone that was close to me died, it would be better for them to stay away from me.

I tore at my room, not that there was much left to break or rip. I moved around the room in a vengeance, picturing President Snow in everything that I hit and beat, screaming until my throat was raw.

Exhaustion like always soon took me, and I collapsed in a sobbing heap on the floor, slapping at the floor boards until my palms were pink with the injustice of it all.

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**Authors note: So this is the beginning to the sequel of Two volunteers.. I hope you like it, I'm still writing a lot for it, so hopefully will upload the first proper chapter next week! I have so many ideas that really differ to the original so I hope you like it! Obviously I don't own anything other than the idea of this story, so please stay tuned! Hope you like it. **


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter one :**

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"You know what sweetheart; we need to find you a hobby." Haymitch murmured, his lips barely straying from the bottle in his hands to get the words out. I raise an eyebrow at him. We are in his house, which used to stink and was full of filth, but somehow someone had convinced him to give Hazel a job so she would have money for her family. So Hazel cleaned and scrubbed, and in return was given food and money, more than she thought was fair but Haymitch never relented. It was hard seeing her. The moment that she had seen me, she had promptly burst into tears and had wrapped me in her motherly arms and rocked me as if I had the tears that needed consoling, she had murmured in my ear how much I was loved by Gale, and that I had done my best, that she was so proud of me. I then promptly ran from her, tears blurring my sight until I somehow made it out to the open, where I vomited the small breakfast I had eaten.

"Have you been speaking with Cinna?" I ask wrapping my arms tightly around my legs that were to my chest as he huffed out a laugh.

"Hardly." Haymitch replied gruffly.

"Maybe I'll take up drinking as my hobby." I say nonchalantly as Haymitch narrowed his eyes at me.

"Har har. Not funny." Haymitch grumbled tipping his head back and swallowing what was left of the contents of the bottle, as if I had been thinking of drinking from the same thing, I shuddered in disgust.

"I have a hobby." I stated resting my chin in my hand as Haymitch studied me with heavy eyes, the eyes of a drinking man.

"Oh?" He asked his lips turning up in a half smile as if he already knew what I was going to say, I got to my feet and walked to the window of his kitchen. Haymitch's house was situated directly in front of my own. I watched as Peeta, as if on queue left the house that was supposedly mine, watched as my mother patted his cheek once and closed the door on him. Peeta then turned his gaze to the house I was residing in, I could feel his eyes on me, and though I knew it was impossible because I was hidden behind a heavy curtain, I still backed a half step away. I watched as he cocked his head to the side, watched as his cheeks reddened before he ducked his head and went on his way.

"Your hobby is watching the boy?" Haymitch asked with a gruff laugh, and I turn to him with a scowl.

"Shh." I hiss furiously, my own cheeks reddening with the thought that Hazel may hear us. "I'm trying to figure him out, if you must know."

"What's there to figure out? He comes to your house when you're not there to deliver bread; he does the same for me and for Hazel." Haymitch muttered with a roll of his eyes. I shrug my shoulders before turning away from him, he speaks the truth but I know there is so much more behind Peeta Mellark and his persistent visits.

"The tour will be starting soon." Haymitch muttered after a moment of silence, I lean heavily against the wall with a sigh.

"I know, but thanks for reminding me." I state darkly. The Capitol was insistent that I go on the tour, that there would be consequences if I didn't, for I was up and well. They didn't know about the crippling nightmares and lack of sleep, the makeup would hide that all well enough though.

"I'll be there with you. You won't be alone." Haymitch said this tenderly, taking me aback for a moment. I nodded my head silently, my throat tight. Haymitch had proven himself to be a worthy mentor, and had taken his job seriously even when he didn't have to and even when it no longer applied. I took a steadying breath, my thoughts running to the upcoming trip- I had a couple of weeks until I had to go and that subdued my rising terror.

"I'll see you." I mutter walking briskly away from him, only pausing to squeeze his shoulder firmly before leaving the house and returning to my own, now that it was safe to, my thoughts focused on Peeta Mellark.

I walk toward the Capitol house, a peculiar feeling settling in my stomach. I missed my old house, it was the last link I had to my father, and I wondered if my mother or Prim had visited it whilst I was recovering.

After a moment's hesitation, I turned on my heel and walked toward the Seam where my small home was waiting. I hadn't ventured into the town since my home coming, after I spat and screamed at Peeta in front of the crowds that had waited to welcome me, their new victor home. I kept my head down as I walked, sure that I could feel eyes on me.

"Katniss?" I looked up, seeing an older woman whose skin was stained with coal and filth call to me, I didn't recognise her. She leans heavily on her door with an outstretched hand, the skin is pulled tight over the bones and I can feel the guilt lay heavily onto me. The food the Capitol sends us is never enough. "Please." She begs, her hand stretching to me. I do not know what she is begging for, food or water. Things I do not have with me, things I do not have enough of – especially if other people see my offerings. The Capitol gives just enough to get by for my family, I know my mother gives out what she can but there is nothing that we can do.

"I'm, I'm sorry." I manage to stammer out, backing away from her.

"Katniss." More people seem to recognise me, or can hear the others calling my name and soon I am surrounded by frail skinny people, hands outstretched touching my arms, my shoulders even my hair.

"I can't." I say, not knowing how to finish my sentence. My breath leaves my lungs in a panic; I never knew how many people resided in my District until they were all upon me. "Please." I am soon begging with them because they will not let me leave the small circle they have me surrounded in. The ground sways beneath my feet, as small children chant my name whilst their parents covered in filth cry and plead for food, water and medicine until it all becomes a faint buzz in my head. "I can't help you." I cry through my panic, as my vision becomes tunnelled.

"Katniss!" A voice calls to me and I look through my wide eyed fear to see a blonde head part through the crowds. "Get back! Let her through, can't you see that she is still recovering?" The voice is stern and full of disapproval.

Peeta. I didn't deserve him to come rescue me after I screamed vicious things and avoided him yet here he was.

"Are you okay?" He asks me quietly, his hand holding firmly onto the crook of my elbow as I nod my head numbly.

I can feel the sweat stick my clothes to my body, and I still feel dizzy. I watch warily as the people that had converged on me slowly slink away and back to their houses, their backs hunched with disappointment. A figure remains and I let out a deep sigh.

"Sae." I murmur, shrugging myself away from Peeta.

"Katniss." Sae replies, her back stooped as always. Sae walks slowly toward me, her eyes assessing me from head to toe. "It's been awhile." She says softly though her eyes still have that hard glint and it's not hard to see that she blames me for Gale. She had always preferred Gale over me, like most women. It seemed age didn't affect that attraction.

"I can't keep up with time, so I will take your word for it." I mutter as a lame joke as Peeta looks between us. I turn my attention away from Sae and solely onto Peeta.

"Thank you." I had more to say but I couldn't find the words. He gives me a small smile and a nod of his head before retreating slowly away, glancing over his shoulder at me.

I watch as Sae turns on her heel and begins walking toward the hob, I take it that she wants me to follow so I stumble after her.

"Have you eaten?" Sae asks as small talk, and I shake my head. I didn't eat much nowadays – just enough to keep the worry from my family and Haymitch. "I have a mighty fine wild dog stew waiting for you."

"Thank you." I say quietly, the silence descending upon us awkwardly. We walk together, and I realise the presence of Sae and her face full of severity keeps people away, but I do not miss how their eyes would follow me with a longing so great it slows my stride with heavy guilt.

"It was a shame about the girl, Rue." Sae says suddenly, surprising me. I do not have time to protect myself against the sudden onslaught of emotion I feel at the mention of Rue's name.

"Please." I say stopping all together as Sae slowly turns to me, I close my eyes tightly and breathe through my nose.

"You couldn't save her Katniss." Sae states and I shake my head.

"And I couldn't save Gale." I mutter opening my eyes and glaring at her – watching as her lips curled into a half smirk.

"No, you couldn't. I and no one else expected you to." I clench my hands at this, and shake my head as if that could stop me from hearing her words and feeling the effect of them. "But you failed him."

"Don't!" I snap. "You weren't there! You don't know!" I scream pointing a finger at her haggard face, my breath panting from my body with my sudden anger and grief. "I replay that night over and over in my head, and I wonder what I could have done differently. I should have kept to the promise, that's what you are referring to isn't it? I should have killed Gale before Cato or Thresh had the chance to. You don't know anything you old hag! I couldn't kill Gale, I wish I could have, I wish I did. But I didn't." I spat, tears blurring my eyesight and I swiped at them with the back of my hand, rubbing viciously and cursing my weakness.

"There she is." Sae murmurs somewhat impressed. "It's good to see a bit of fight still in you."

Sae turns and begins walking again, as if the confrontation had never even happened, leaving me trembling and panting in confusion watching after her.

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**So what do ya'll think? Got so many ideas so would love to hear what you think! Sorry for any mistakes, I have tried to read through it so carefully, and I am trying to improve my writing so stick with me! Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter two:**

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I decided against going to the hob after my encounter with Sae, even decided against visiting my old home, too fraught with emotion and wary of the residents of Twelve to venture any further. Instead I ran weakly back to the safety of the Victors Village, for the only visitors we had there were Peeta and Hazel. I was breathless and wheezy once I had returned, making me realise just how much I had neglected my body. I missed my forest but I couldn't go there without Gale, couldn't hunt without thinking about the people that I had killed in the Games.

I walked slowly to my new house, thinking about what had happened in town, the people surrounding me, Peeta helping me and then Sae. I didn't know what to think. I was confused and I was hurting, the guilt of everything laying heavily on me.

I opened the heavy door to my house and walked to the kitchen finding my mother and Prim stood at the counter kneading dough as Buttercup, the mangy cat I had once saved for Prim, danced around their legs, mewling like a kitten for scraps.

I watched them in silence, I had walked in wearing my shoes but my silent tread made them oblivious to my presence. My mother and sister spoke quietly to each other both laughing and bumping shoulders, not noticing me standing there and watching them. My chest constricted painfully, fully aware that I would never have that bond with my mother, I thought whilst I was in the Games if I survived maybe I could forgive her for not being there for us, then after losing Gale, I knew I could. But it would seem I had lost that chance and not only that, but I had lost Prim in the process. There was a distance forming between us that I didn't know how to bridge.

Slowly I retreated away, and on silent feet I managed to make it to my room. I ignored the mess that I had made, my mother had long decided against fixing the things that I had ruined in my fits of anger and had instead left the mess for me to deal with. I walked past it all and slowly methodically undressed before climbing into the large plush bed, looking out the window until my eyesight blurred and I couldn't distinguish anything other than the rising sobs that chocked my throat.

They called it a relapse, the fancy doctors from the Capitol. They had said that it would happen frequently, that mental recovery was tricky business and no medicine would truly help. It was something I didn't know about, something I didn't pay enough attention to when I was being fixed after the Games. Haymitch had been with me through out it all, whether from my strong grip on his hand or because of something else I didn't know.

As the medication began to wean itself from my body and the mental, emotional and physical lethargy took its toll and kept me bed ridden, I began to remember things from my stay in the hospital of the Capitol.

When the doctors had healed my body and force fed me until I was plump and healthy they then moved onto trying to fix me mentally. I remember a doctor telling me or telling Haymitch, I wasn't sure, about the five stages of grief. Since my homecoming, I had plenty of time to reflect on that memory and those five stages. I didn't know how much truth was in what they were saying but when I compared the stages to how my mother was when my father had died, I realised it was at least partly true. The first stage was denial, which they said I had bypassed – how much denial could you go through after watching the person you love die horribly, have their thick warm blood coat your hands and forever stain them? No I wasn't in denial, Gale was murdered and there would be no hope of him ever returning to this world. The second stage being anger, which was clear I possessed. The next stage was bargaining, I clearly bypassed that stage and was now living in limbo of anger and the fourth stage of depression. I would never reach the final stage, acceptance. I couldn't possibly accept a world in which Gale wasn't part of, a world where innocent children like Rue were murdered so cruelly.

So I had to live on in limbo, in misery and alone.

"Did you know that you have been in bed for a week? I wouldn't believe it, if I didn't smell it." Haymitch stated loudly, waking me suddenly.

"Go away Haymitch." I mutter, pulling the blanket higher and tighter around me. I was having a dreamless sleep which was such a rarity.

"You have a week of freedom left and you want to spend it in bed?" Haymitch asked taking a seat at the end of the bed. I closed my eyes tightly, willing him to leave.

"Don't." I say. I didn't need to be reminded of the upcoming tour.

"Your family is worried about you; you have barely left the bed or have eaten." Haymitch states gruffly and I notice that he sounds somewhat sober, which means he must be a little worried.

"Look." I say sitting up and glaring at him. "I don't try to stop you from drinking, I don't even comment on it. For me, staying in this bed is like drinking for you. This is my escape. I just want to be left alone." I tried to say it with some form of passion or just to have any infliction in my voice but instead it sounded as lifeless as I felt.

"This isn't escaping darling, you're just constantly thinking about the Games aren't you?" Haymitch murmurs softly and I look away from him and out of the window, clenching my jaw and breathing through my nose as my eyes swim with tears.

"Just go away." I manage to say, feeling his eyes on me. He stays for a second longer before getting up with a sigh.

"Before I go, perhaps you should think about visiting Hazel before the tour? She was asking after you, she misses you too." Haymitch says before walking out of the room and closing the door behind him. I collapse to the bed, and pull the pillow tight to my face before screaming as loud as I can manage feeling my hot tears stain the fabric and muffle my cries.

It took a couple more days of isolation before I finally plucked the courage to visit Hazel and the kids. I left the house early, knowing she would be up and feeding the children breakfast before going to Haymitch's house.

I wore a hood for the short travel to town, not willing to experience people recognising me again. I stood outside her door for a long moment, hearing laughter coming from inside the house, something I wasn't expecting. I took a deep breath and raised my fist ready to knock before it swung open before me. I came face to face with Peeta and cursed my luck.

"What?" I ask confused as he looked at me with wide eyes. Hazel stood behind him, her surprise evident on her face.

"I came to deliver some bread and cakes for the kids." Peeta murmured his explanation as I scowled at him; it was too weird seeing him where Gale should be.

"Thank you Peeta, we appreciate it." Hazel said warmly when she realised I wasn't going to say anything.

"You're welcome Mrs. Hawthorne." He said with a nod of his head before quickly brushing past me, murmuring my name in goodbye.

"Katniss." Hazel greeted me with a smile, ushering me in and wrapping me into her arms. "I didn't think we would see you before the tour."

"I'm sorry." I whisper lamely, having no excuse other than my grief- something she knew plenty of.

"We understand. The kids will be happy to see you." Hazel said, leading the way to the small kitchen where the kids sat at the table.

I took in the kids, who all looked bigger and healthier and wished Gale could see them. They had plates full of fresh bread and cakes from the bakery Peeta's family owned.

"I didn't realise he gives you so much." I murmur gesturing to the food as Hazel beams.

"He is a good person, and he feels a lot of guilt. When Gale." Hazel stops and looks to her children before shaking her head and willing the tears back. "Peeta came straight here in tears and apologised profusely, promised to help this family." I am shocked by Peeta's behaviour, and then feel complete guilt over how I had treated him at the train station. I make a mental note to talk to Peeta before the tour and to apologise for the way I had spoken to him.

I'm left speechless so instead I nod my head once. I look at the kids; Rory who already looks so much like Gale will be entering for his first year of the Games, the Quarter Quell no less- I shudder at thought, Vick who still has two years thank goodness then little Posy, a chubby bubbly toddler who knows nothing of the Games or why Gale isn't around any more.

"Rory, why don't you ask Katniss that question you've been meaning to ask?" Hazel prompts her son as he looks bashfully down to his hands.

"What?" I ask, hedging closer to him as he looks up with the eyes that are so much like Gale's.

"Will you teach me to hunt? Gale was going to." His voice fades and he shrugs his shoulders. My chest constricts and I close my eyes tightly before taking a breath and ruffling his dark hair.

"Of course, maybe Saturday before the tour?" I suggest gently as he looks up at me and nods his head eagerly, Hazel brushes past me and squeezes my arm in silent thanks before leaving me alone in the room with the kids. I walk to Posy and let her chubby small hands play with my fingers, turning my attention to Vick.

"You can come with us, you know?" I say as he nods his head thoughtfully.

"I didn't know you were Gale's girlfriend." He says finally, changing the subject and I shrug my shoulders.

"I don't think I was." I say simply as he narrows his eyes at me, my heart thuds with the painful memories and I realise this was why I didn't see Gale's family before, it was too hard.

"But you kissed." He persists, before a loud thump interrupts him. "Ow! Rory!" He shouts, pulling his leg up and away, rubbing at his shin.

"What was that for?" I ask as Vick begins to eat his food silently, shooting glares toward his older brother.

"We're not supposed to talk about it." Rory whispers, I bend at the waist to get closer.

"Why?" I whisper back clearly confused.

"Because Gale had a girlfriend." A voice interrupts us and I look up in surprise. Madge Undersee, the Mayor's daughter and my one time friend from school stands in the doorway, her pretty face set in a frown. "I was his girlfriend." She continues, crossing her slender arms over her pretty dress. I forget to breathe for a full minute before I gasp, a moment of clarity hitting me so hard I feel dizzy. All the times Gale and I would pick fresh fruit, how he would always choose strawberries and take them straight to the Mayor – I realised now, that they were for her.

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**Katniss just can't catch a break can she? How's it going people? Are you still following and enjoying my take on this? I hope you are! I apologise for any mistakes that I make, I do re-read so many times, and so slowly trying to catch myself out so my bad if there are any mistakes! I love reviews, and reading your opinions so please feel free! I'll be updating every Monday and Friday, so until then. **


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter three:**

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I excuse myself as fast as I could after Madge had said that, my mind a whirl of confusion and questions, things I couldn't understand or get a grip of. Hazel had called out to me with a voice full of apology as Madge followed quickly on my heels.

"We were together for a year!" She calls out to me and I feel my stride stutter to a stop. A year? I couldn't comprehend how I didn't know this, how he kept it a secret when our free time was spent together hunting and collecting food for our families.

"You didn't know because you're so self-centred. The fact that you so easily believed everything that he said in the Arena proves it." Madge carried on, her voice full of vehemence however her eyes filling with tears betrayed her.

"Stop talking." I say, nothing made sense to me and I could have screamed from frustration. I felt my stomach drop as the realisation dawned on me, and I felt sick with embarrassment.

"He didn't volunteer for you." She continues as if she didn't hear me.

"I know." I tried to snap at her, but my voice came out tired and defeated. "He did it for his family, I know."

At this Madge rolls her eyes and rakes a hand through her light brown hair, shaking her head.

"I had you all wrong." She barks out a cold laugh of disbelief.

"What?" I ask not being able to keep up, my mind full of confusion and my chest tightening painfully.

"His family wasn't the only reason he volunteered, but don't get confused- under no circumstances did he do it for you, your volunteering was plain bad luck." She spits and I wondered where the quiet girl I had once known had went. I didn't know this Madge, the Madge that had a secret relationship with my best friend and was so spiteful. "I know all about you Katniss Everdeen. I thought about you and Gale going into the Games, and thought you'd be unstoppable together but you made him weak. You were the reason he didn't win, why he died."

I turned away from her, my hand flying to my throat while the other flew to my mouth to stifle my rising sob. I didn't need to be reminded of my failures.

"You make me sick because it was all an act, the girl who hunted and bargained at the hob is really just a vapid weak fool. You didn't have a back bone then and you never will. I have been watching you, this is the second time you have ventured into town since you came back from the Capitol, you hardly leave your house and when you do it's to see that drunk of a mentor. You're nothing Katniss Everdeen." Madge says slowly and coldly. I nod my head numbly, fully aware of those things. I was nothing; Gale deserved to have lived, not me. I lifted my hood to cover my head and began walking away and back to the Victors Village feeling relief when Madge didn't follow after me.

I stumbled through the courtyard of the Victors Village and straight to Haymitch's house, pounding on the door before letting myself in.

"Good to see you up and making a racket, sweetheart." Haymitch grumbled and I followed his voice to the living room, seeing him lying on the couch his body stretched, two empty bottles strewn on the floor.

"Did you know?" I ask him, my voice eerily calm though inside was a hurricane of emotion.

"Know what?" Haymitch drawled lazily and I pick up a bottle and throw it, sending it spiralling through the air and smashing into the wall opposite him. Shards of glass shattered noisily to the floor as Haymitch pulled himself up, making a noise of disapproval. "Woah woah woah, calm down."

"Did you know?!" I shriek again making a beeline for the other bottle, my hands itching to throw and destroy. Haymitch easily caught my weak arms and held onto me tightly.

"What's gotten into you? You're either half dead, flying into a rage or crying." Haymitch stated coldly and I force my arms away and circle them around my lean waist, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall.

"It's not fair!" I spit rubbing at my eyes.

"What is fair Katniss? You're not the first person to be put through the Games." Haymitch states throwing himself back into the plush cushions.

"Gale had a girlfriend." I mumble as Haymitch groans in exasperation.

"Well damn sweetheart, I'm sorry." Haymitch drawls, slapping the palms of his hands against his thighs.

"Damn you Haymitch." I cry, because he chose the worst time to go back to his cruel uncaring self.

"Listen here darlin, you need to toughen up because the tour starts soon and what will people think when you're bursting into tears every two minutes? I've understood and I've done everything that I can, but it ends here and stops now."

"I have no one!" I scream abruptly, the dam breaking. "I watched as Rue died right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything about it, then I watched the same thing happen to Gale! I killed people, and they will never leave me!" I jab my temple painfully my face twisted in a grimace. "I see them, whether my eyes are open or closed, they are there. I see his blood and her blood on my body and on my hands and no matter how many times I scrub myself clean, I can still see it."

"I'm sorry Katniss, I am, but you're not the only one." Haymitch muttered tiredly as I panted in anger.

"So I'm not the only one to be used by their best friend all for the sake of the Games and now never get answers as to why. I'm not the only one who lost their damn selves and everything they once loved. Damn you Haymitch," I spit out consumed with anger, turning blindly and rushing from the house, thankful that the tears that had once threatened to fall were no where to be seen.

I flew out of the house, my body trembling with anger. I looked at my own house that held my happy mother and sister and turned the other way, running straight to the forest line and climbing through the old fence. I ran as far as I could, pulling at the material of my shirt and stuffing it into my mouth- screaming as loud as I could manage. Even through the fog of my anger I knew it would do no good for my family if I were found by peacekeepers, especially now as a victor.

I collapsed to the dirty ground, my hands clawing into the soft mud and grass and grabbing viciously.

Everything had changed since the Games, and I had never felt so lost or confused. I couldn't explain my own behaviour let alone Sae's, Madge's and now Haymitch's. I had never before hated the Capitol and the Games more than in that very moment.

My body soon relaxes into the soft mud and with a pained whimper – I sob quietly, my head throbbing with the onslaught of opposing emotions and confusion.

I resolve silently to myself that these will be the last tears I will shed, the last time I turn to anyone for comfort. I would rebuild myself somehow; I would be like the Mockingjay that was so dearly loved by Rue. I would fight to survive in a world that wanted me dead. I would persevere my will to live, fight for it to be stronger than my urge to die.

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**Authors Note: Poor Katniss can't get a break! Hope you like this Chapter, I had to post it today because its my mama's birthday tomorrow and it will be hectic! I apologise for any mistakes I make, I re-read like mad but these things happen! I love having reviews so feel free, please! Hope you enjoyed. Until next time which will be next Friday, I'm super busy and am writing like mad so until then. **


	5. Chapter Four

_**Chapter Four**_

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The rain soon found me curled in the foetal position and I sighed as the cold drops hit my body and cooled my hot face. I didn't know how long I had laid there after my sobs had quietened, but I needed that last moment of weakness for it was healing.

I sat up slowly, feeling more energised than I could ever remember and got to my feet, my mind forming a plan.

I walked further into the forest, going to where Gale and I would hide our bows and our snares and gathered my weapons.

I would give back to my District, and I would give more than just food, water and medicine, I would give them hope- if there was even such a thing left. I could only hope that my efforts to gain their trust wouldn't be futile for I would need all the allies I could fall back on, I would need the people of my District to find the will to want to live like I was finding and help me when I would need it most.

I realised that I didn't have a lot of time, barely a week was all I had left to set the wheels into motion. I would have to work hard, I wouldn't rest not even to sleep. I would get my revenge. I pictured Snow's pale face twisted into the same pain I felt everyday since I volunteered for the Games and felt my resolve strengthen.

With my bow in my tight grip, and my arrows strapped to my back – I began walking further into the dense foliage of my woods, my tread light and careful my body down wind and my ears and eyes alert.

I couldn't shake the nervousness of holding my beloved weapon, it had been so long- it had been used to kill real things, real thinking living things, not like the animals I killed easily and quickly to fill the hollow bellies of my mother and sister. It would seem I had lost all finesse in the Games; my kills had been bloody, torturous and slow.

My arms trembled and my hands held so tightly onto the wooden bow that I was sure I would be picking out splinters until the tour started and then I had heard it, heavy tread. A big animal or maybe a Peacekeeper, I wasn't sure. I stifled my gasp, my treacherous mind easily taking me back to my terrors and I was so sure I would see Thresh, lumbering out behind the bushes- his shirt clinging with blood whether his or not, I wouldn't know. I didn't know how, but the arrow was already poised aiming in front of me ready for attack and I felt my stomach roll with nausea at how good I was at this. A branch snaps and the tread comes again, quicker this time around and I close my eyes tightly and shoot, my arrow easily lodges into the tree closest to where the sound was coming from and I hear the startled grunt of what sounds like a buck, before it runs quickly away. I throw my bow down and put my shaking hands over my eyes, my body trembling all over and then do I realise just how difficult this could be.

When I gain control over my senses, I heft my bow to rest over my shoulders and begin walking again although certainly not as confidently as I had. I twiddle the wire I have to make snares and decide I would start there. I quickly and efficiently make as many snares as I possibly could, until my fingers were sore and I had lost count.

Whilst making my snares I had noticed the abundance of fruits and edible plants. Since Gale and I had been reaped for the Games, there had been no one to venture into the woods and pick the fruit up until now; I picked at the fruits until the berries stained my fingertips.

The sky had darkened and with my new frame of mind, I found it hard to believe the confrontation between Madge and I, then Haymitch and I had only been hours before.

I was vulnerable and everyone could see it, if Madge had started an argument before – I wouldn't have let her off so lightly, the same went for Haymitch and I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone get the better of me again. I strode purposefully out of the forest line and to my home, my mind ablaze with what I was planning to do.

The house was dark when I had entered, and I headed straight to the kitchen placing my heavy bag onto the table and mentally counting in my head just how many people lived in the District, it was impossible of course. The actual amount was far too many, even though we were a small outlining district. I thought of the food that I had collected, and what I could give out to the families. I would have to hunt, and soon. I didn't know how I would get over my new fear of shooting from my bow, but I would have to get over it. In the mean time, I could fish and gather roots and berries. I thought of Prim's goat and the milk I could get from it – my own family didn't need that milk any longer. My thoughts then lead onto Peeta, of the bread that he already gave out and realised that I had to talk to him, as soon as the sun would rise.

I emptied my bag whilst my mind raced with ideas for what I could do for my town, I needed to feed them and gain their trust and loyalty. It wouldn't be easy, but I had to try.

I sectioned off what I could as fairly as I could and gasped when the overhead light turned on, blinding me momentarily.

"Katniss? What are you doing?" Prim asked with a croaky voice, her hair askew and her arms cradling Buttercup.

"I'm sorry little duck, I didn't mean to wake you." I say quietly with a small smile, as she smiled shyly back.

"You haven't called me that in awhile." Prim admits placing her cat onto the floor and inspecting my meagre offerings of food. "What are you doing with all this food?"

"I- I don't really know." I mutter with a sigh as Prim toys with a berry. "I want to give back to the District, I want them to know that I am not part of the Capitol now."

"They know that Katniss, we all know that after watching what happened in there." Prim murmurs, her eyes dropping to her hands.

"The Capitol doesn't give us enough food for our District, I want to feed them somehow." I say with a shrug as Prim looks up at me with wide excited eyes.

"That's a good idea!" Prim states and I smile at her, knowing she would think that with her kind heart. "You can use Lady's milk, I can make cheese, and help you forage for berries – we can use dad's book." She said animatedly as I nod my head alongside her.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it." I murmur grabbing her hand gently.

"I've missed you Katniss." Prim whispered squeezing my hand tightly as I returned the gesture.

Morning came persistently like always but this time, I found that I eagerly awaited the new day, it wasn't any easier and the hole in my heart hadn't gotten any smaller but I had a goal in my mind and I was ready to chase it.

Prim and I had spoken into the night about our new plan on feeding the district, it was down to me now to speak to Peeta and ask him to be a part of it.

I strode into town, no longer as wary as I had been. I kept my hood down as I walked, making eye contact with the residents of the Seam and giving them firm nods. I walked straight to the bakery and stopped short at the tall tree I once took shelter under. I touched the thick bark, my fingers dancing across the dips and edges and looked up to where Peeta stood at the back door of the Bakery, a heavy bag slung over his shoulder.

"Peeta." I greeted him and watched as a slow smile spread across his face as he hurried over to where I stood.

"Katniss, what are you doing here? You look different." He remarked looking at me from head to toe.

"I still look like me." I murmured with a shrug. "Are you busy? Can we talk?"

"Of course, do you mind if we walk? I was just going to do my rounds." Peeta stated heading off.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually. I want to feed the District with food from the forest, but they need more than just berries. Can you help me?" I ask watching as his feet slowed to a stop.

"What do you need Katniss?" He asked me, his voice low and serious.

"Bread, or just grain. Anything really." I say gently as he stood in silence. "I know I shouldn't ask you for anything, especially after the way that I treated you after the Games." I murmured looking down at my feet.

"Don't. Katniss, just don't. I don't ever expect you to apologise for anything that you have said to me. I deserved it. You were right, it should have been me that was killed in the Games and I'm sorry that it wasn't." Peeta stated with a deep sigh as I stood in shocked silence. "I'll do it. I'll help you."

I could only watch as Peeta gave me one last sad smile before turning his back to me and began walking to the Seam. Peeta was kind, and he didn't deserve to feel like he should have been the one to die. I hated Snow more and more in that very moment.

I rolled my shoulders and hurried back to the edge of the forest, seeing little Prim sat nervously beside the broken fence under the shade of a thick tree.

"You ready?" I call to her as she nods her blonde head seriously. Her arms are already loaded with the thick heavy book our father had made. I shake my own head at seeing it. "You don't need that. I can tell you what you can pick or what you can't."

"Well what if we see something that you have never seen before?" Prim questions with a furrowed brow and I bark a laugh and shrug my shoulders before agreeing with her.

We walk in silence out of sight of town before finding the hole in the fence and climbing through. I'm nervous. I have never taken Prim into the forest before and immediately I am thinking about the possibilities of being found by Peacekeepers or worse wild dogs. I know that I will have to carry my bow in case I need to protect Prim.

"Prim, if we see or hear something – you have to run. If it's an animal, you'll have to climb a tree but if it's a Peacekeeper I can be a distraction but you will have to get out through the fence without me. Can you do that?" I ask her, my voice full of severity as her pale blue eyes widened.

"Okay Katniss." She murmurs with a nod of her head, looking around her warily.

"We'll be okay though." I reassure her, though I know there is a higher possibility of Peacekeepers. The tour would start in under a week. More and more Peacekeepers had been arriving to prepare for the televised speech I would have to give, where the whole town would be in attendance. It made me shudder.

I left Prim to forage whilst I walked a little further away to check on my snares, my ears alert listening to her hum as she picked the fruits.

I sighed at finding an empty snare, I would have to hunt with my bow if my snares didn't always work. I walked further, still aware of Prim's humming and feeling confident that she would be okay. A plump dead rabbit was caught and I quickly grabbed at it feeling hopeful, I walked a little further and felt a thrill at finding more. A squirrel and a fat bird, it wasn't much but at least it was something.

I remade my snares, holding tightly onto the dead animals fully aware of wild dogs and tried to work as quickly as possible.

Prim's scream came loud and long and I threw myself into the direction it was coming from, my free hand flying to my shoulder and finding no bow or arrows.

"Prim?!" I screamed my voice fraught as I ran as fast as I could to where I had left her. I see her small bag next to the foliage that I had left her at but see her nowhere. I gasp for air and scan for her, hearing her sniffling sobs. I run toward her, tripping over my own feet in my haste.

"Prim?!" I call again in relief as Prim turns toward me her eyes red and watery. I pull her into my arms tightly and squeeze her, seeing over her head the cause of her scream. One of my snares, one that I had forgotten about held a dead large turkey.

"I'm sorry Katniss." Prim cried, hugging me harder as I forced the air back into my lungs. My poor gentle sister who cried over dead animals, I was reminded once again why I had volunteered to save my baby sister.

"Shh, its okay. I'm sorry you had to see that. But this is good, this is really good Prim. Think of all of the people we can feed with that bird." I reminded her, fully aware of the dead small animals that hung limply in my other hand, I put them behind my back as I patted Prim's blonde hair gently.

We gathered more berries before deciding to turn back. I walked Prim back to the fence, and listened for the loud buzz and sighed at hearing the normal silence that I was used to.

"Prim, go straight to the house and organise the fruit." I kiss her head as she nodded with a small smile, climbing carefully through with her bag cradled in one arm our fathers book in the other.

I looked at the large turkey I had to carry, the other smaller creatures had fitted into my bag but I knew if I was caught with this dead animal I would be in serious trouble. It was still light out but I couldn't wait until night fall, other wild animals would smell the scent of death and would want my meat.

I took a deep breath, and climbed through the fence. I walked purposefully out and into the open, there was no cover here, all I could hope for would be to get to the house as quickly as possible.

I made it past Haymitch's house, seeing my own standing tall and proud. Not much further I chanted to myself as I cradled the heavy dead bird.

"Katniss?" A voice called out, I didn't recognise it. I carried on walking as if I hadn't even heard it. My house was getting closer and closer. If only I could just get to the door and throw the damn bird in and out of sight.

"Katniss?" Haymitch then calls out, my feet slowed to a stop and my heart raced. I turned my head to look over my shoulder. Haymitch was trailing after a young Peacekeeper that was looking at me with a leer.

"Ah, the famous Katniss Everdeen!" The man calls with a grin but it feels predatory. I carry on walking.

"I'm sorry, I'm late for supper. I didn't win the Games just to have my mother kill me!" I call over my shoulder and forcing a laugh.

"Maybe you can meet her later or tomorrow?" I hear Haymitch state with a chortle.

"What have you got there?" The Peacekeeper asks and I sigh before stopping. "I said; what have you got there?" He repeats himself and I slowly pivot around to show him the dead animal. Haymitch closes his eyes tightly and shakes his head silently. "Where'd you get that from?"

"I found it." I state with a shrug as the Peacekeeper runs his eyes over my face and body.

"It's okay." He laughs but I feel no ease. The Peacekeeper looks to Haymitch with a smirk and shrugs his shoulder. "Did anyone else see you with that?" He asks, turning his attention back to me.

"No." I say slowly, confused as to why he isn't doing his job. Why he isn't punishing me.

"That's okay then." He murmurs with a nod of his head before stalking toward me slowly. He stops in front of me and leans in so that we are face to face. "I mean, it could have been really bad if it wasn't me who saw you with this dead animal. I mean any other Peacekeeper could have assumed you had a weapon and we all know how good you are with a bow. You could have been punished for this. Fifty lashing's at the whipping post or maybe worse." He murmurs, his breath fanning over my face and I nod my head numbly. "So how about this, I won't tell anyone – not a soul. You and your family won't be punished."

"What do you want?" I ask through gritted teeth, my body shaking at the mention of my innocent family.

"I only want you, for one night." The Peacekeeper states seriously, licking his thin lips. I stare back at him confused, my eyes darting toward Haymitch and watching him stiffen and avoid my eyes.

"What?" I ask dumbly, though my cheeks are heating with the implication and a fire is burning inside me.

"Don't act coy with me. I am sure I am not the first person that has asked for you, it's what Haymitch and I were talking about earlier before I saw you. A young beautiful Victor like yourself is well sought after." His words aren't making sense, its like my ears are full of cotton and the words spewing from his mouth are muffled and confusing. My stomach rolls with nausea has his words sink in.

"What?" I repeat myself, looking to Haymitch for reassurance but still he doesn't meet my eye.

"You're expensive – I knew you would be. But this will be a favour, you can keep the bird, I know the Capitol doesn't send enough food, I am very understanding. But my silence will come at a price." He said I was expensive, that he wanted me for a whole night. I felt sick. I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. I was wheezing. I was being sold. I was being sold and bartered for like I was a piece of meat at the Hob and Haymitch knew.

"Hey hey hey." Haymitch finally intervened. "She is still recovering, but I'm sure we can work something out." Haymitch murmured leading the young vile Peacekeeper away and back to his house as I stood in muted shock, the bird dangling from my tightly gripped hand as silent tears dropped from my eyes and stained my cheeks.

I was being sold. My body was being sold. I fell heavily onto my knees, the dead bird laying forgotten onto the muddy ground beside me as I heaved and emptied my stomach of its contents. Haymitch was selling me.


End file.
